15 NICKY NICHOLLS summary

DVC Pro Tape 01 of 05 – VHS Tape 01 of 02                                 01.00.35 - 01:52:29
 
Birth and earliest memories
Born Weybridge, Surrey. Abandoned by mother at 10 days old. Lived with maternal grandparents.  Earliest memories of playing with little friend Paul who was deaf and dumb, seeing a dog being shot by a policeman and hearing about the death of Paul who was killed by a lorry.
 
Family relationships
Family consisted of teenage aunts and uncles, grandmother and grandfather. Latter verbally aggressive and sexually abused Nicky.  Also abused by  two uncles.  Spent lot of childhood hiding under table. Felt safe with grandmother. Grandparents did not mention mother in early years.
 
Infant school
Beaten up on first day at school for having "old parents" and being very poor compared to other children.  School very Victorian with corporal punishment.  Felt afraid of both teachers and other children, who continued to bully Nicky.  Was very silent in school, not very good at anything except drawing.
 
Return of mother - moving to London
At age five, mother took Nicky away from grandmother in Stoke on Trent to London.  Travelled on steam train, in silence.   Mother's house in London very posh.  Stepfather cold, mother very abusive and cruel and Nicky felt she must hate Nicky.  Very quiet in school, to all intents and purposes nice little girl.  No-one knew about cruelty at home.
 
Return to grandparents at Stoke
When mother became pregnant, sent Nicky (aged about six and a half) back to Stoke.  Glad to see grandmother but then abuse with grandfather and uncles started again.
 
Growing up with abuse
Spent next few years and adolescence back and forth between London and Stoke.  Raped at eight years old and introduced into paedophile ring by mother and friends.  Became very withdrawn, never had any friends and doesn't remember playing.  In Stoke, stayed close to Grandmother because felt safe with her.  Didn't do well at school - greatest achievement was to spell biscuit.  Used to draw until mother beat her for drawing and so stopped after that.  Left school at fourteen.
 
Jobs on leaving school
First job in Spode factory, hand-painting pottery.  Felt frightened and intimidated by other workers, especially their sexual banter.   Would hide at home under the table with the dog.  Had variety of different jobs, including one at Michelin Tyre Factory.  Gave wages to grandmother after keeping enough for cigarettes.   Grandmother had taught her to smoke.
 
Joining army - finding out true circumstance of birth
At seventeen and a half, decided to join the army.  Passed entrance tests OK.  Had to get birth certificate to enter army and then found out that her true father was her grandfather, not as she had believed up to then an American "Red Indian" GI soldier.  Joined army extremely upset and angry.

Continuation of DVC Pro Tape 01 – VHS Tape 01                                               01:29:49
 
Life in the army
Was picked on in army - couldn't join in in army life.  Ran away, picked up by military police and moved to Aldershot.  Joined ordinance corps and became a radio operator.  Moved to Bicester. Still very isolated.  One day forced to drink alcohol.  Found the alcohol helped her to join in, but while dancing fell out of window and hurt foot very badly.
 
Leaving the army
Given dishonourable discharge by army for being drunk, but allowed to stay in camp while having medical treatment.  Grandparents had died in the meantime and Nicky had nowhere to go after the army.  Army friend arranged for her to stay with her family in Darlington.  Stayed with "horrendous" family in Darlington.  Developed taste for alcohol and drank more and more.  Became aggressive and started dressing male to avoid being sexually abused again.
 
Recap on life in the army
Was in WRAC, mixed corps but mostly had contact with other women.  In army for eighteen months. Lived in an eight bedded barracks.  Was very socially isolated, didn't go to NAAFI, which was only form of entertainment in the camp.  Didn't drink for first eighteen months. 
 
Darlington and the start of alcoholism
Seriously started drinking in Darlington.  One night got very drunk, blanked out and woke up in Winterton Hospital.  Was told she had attacked a policeman.
 
First impressions of Winterton
Felt very ill. Remembers old lady walking round and round in circles with a teddy and patients rocking in their chairs.  Winterton very foreboding.  Was put onto locked ward with much older patients.  Felt terrified and avoided interaction with other patients.
 
Assessment and diagnosis
Saw male psychiatrist who showed her shapes on blotting paper and asked her what they reminded her of.  Diagnosed with depression and put on liquid largactil.
 
Ward
Night area upstairs, about fifty beds all pushed together. No curtains between beds, and no lockers.  Lockers downstairs in day area.  Padded cells to right in day area.
 
ECT and padded cell
As became more and more depressed, given ECT.  First time tried to run away. After ECT, never able to remember who she was.  Was put in padded cell several times, e.g. for refusing ECT, banging on door, trying to self harm.  Describes padded cell, being put into strait jacket and injected.  Dozed all day because of  drugs.
 
Abuse by nurses
Two female nurses replaced Nick's medication with vodka, and sexually abused her, both within and outside the hospital.  One night, one nurse told Nicky to leave hospital. Blanked out and woke up in Redcar bed and breakfast.  Felt she wanted to die and took overdose of drink and aspirin.  Woke up in Middlesborough feeling "gutted" that she had not died.  Felt very rejected by Winterton nurses, thought they had been kind to her and didn't realise she was being abused.

DVC Pro Tape 02 of 05 – VHS 01 of 02                                           02:00:35 – 02:56:09   
 
Middlesborough Hospital
Assessment at Middlesborough involved blotting paper shapes, putting blocks into shapes and answering questions about childhood and parents.  No memory of specific doctors but remembers nurse who complained when Nicky kept in padded cell for seven days, and gave her an apple and drawing paper.  After a while, escaped from Middlesborough, got drunk, hit another policeman and was sent back to Winterton.
 
Winterton - starting to draw again
At Winterton, admitted to same ward as before.  Talks about how Dr Simpson found out Ncky could draw because of her doodling and gave her drawing materials and encouraged her to do a picture of Winston Churchill, which was later framed and hung in ward.
 
Ward at Winterton
Describes ward and how she would draw sitting at tables, but had to be careful of other patients interfering with her work.  Little opportunity in ward for privacy, only in bathroom.  No curtains between beds and had to get changed in front of everyone else.  Learnt to pick lock of ward door and would escape for a while and then get frightened and come back.
 
Food
"Disgusting". No provision for vegetarians. Other patients' behaviour very off-putting.  Often could not eat and would give food away. Could buy sweets and cigarettes in hospital shop.  Cashed giro and kept own money in locker.  Not allowed matches, had to ask nurse for light.
 
Daily  routine
Got up early so could strip wash before others in bathroom. Breakfast usually porridge.  Doctors came round but no one to one meetings.  Occupational therapy on ward, usually painting basketware teatrays.  After lunch, would sit around, sometimes read books r did crossword puzzles - no games like scrabble.  Usually too doped up and lethargic to do much.
 
Medication and ECT
Medication dispensed from trolley by two nurses.  If refused medication forced to take it, or taken to padded cell or given ECT.  Hospital focused on depression but missed alcoholism.
 
Alcohol
Two nurses on ward substituting alcohol for Nicky's medication.  Went on throughout first admission to Winterton but Nicky went along with it (and abuse) because she thought nurses being kind to her. Combination of alcohol and largactil made Nicky's depression much worse.
 
Leaving Winterton - first and second time
Left Winterton first time when nurse who was abusing her let her out and told her to leave.  The second time Nicky left Winterton, was discharged properly but with no after-care.  Was still very sick, both physically and psychologically.  Went from Winterton to Bradford.
 
Bradford
Began drinking even more and ended up in mental hospital in Leysterbike, Bradford.  Staff very kind but frightened Nicky when talked about dressing her more femininely so ran away.  Moved in with Pakistani/English family who owned a café.  Ran a shabeen above café so had free access to drink. Started to become violent.
 
Continuation of DVC Pro Tape 02 – VHS tape 01                                                 02:31:30                                             
Risley Remand Centre
Got into fight with two lesbian women while drunk and attacked one with a sabre.  Arrested and sent to Risley, Warrington.  On arrival at Risley, stripped, searched, imprisoned in cage, made to bathe in disinfectant.  Medical issues not considered.  Kept two to a cell.  Advised by prison officer to act tough, so put on armour of toughness while terrified inside.  Survived by being manipulative rather than aggressive.  Earned tobacco by writing letters and drawing cartoons for other prisoners.  Learnt how to get hold of drink and drugs, eg from prison officers in return for sexual favours or from other prisoners. 
 
Interactions with prison officers
Learnt to be very hard and made out she hated everyone, including prison officers.  But she really liked some of staff because she felt they really cared about her, more so than nurses in psychiatric hospital had done.  Particularly remembers Mrs Vickers who was very motherly, brought Nicky pencils and paper to draw cartoons for staff and made Nicky feel noticed.
 
Relationships with other prisoners
Got on superficially with other prisoners but still felt very out of place.  Used her art work to gain respect but always terrified she would not be able to keep up tough front.
 
First relationship
After leaving Risley, returned to Bradford and at nineteen got into first relationship with young runaway girl from Liverpool.   Went to Liverpool to stay with girl's family.  Got job in garage, started to focus on helping to provide family, who were very poor,  with practical and emotional support.  Became close to family but relationship broke down after few months when partner wanted child. Nicky couldn't cope, got drunk, robbed garage and went on run.
 
Living in Liverpool gangland
Got heavily into drugs, lived in squats, begging and stealing.  Got taken in by Mrs Linton, a very rich lady who wanted to mother Nicky. Nicky couldn't accept love but Mrs Linton remained supportive.  During this time, slept rough, got involved in robberies but often would give herself up to police.  Spent lot of time in and out of Risley 
 
Health problems on streets
Became very violent but couldn't relate violence to herself, felt like she was two people, one who  quiet and withdrawn and one wanting to express herself in a strong way.  Didn't recognise alcohol was the problem, blamed other people and became very self-pitying.  Received no medical treatment but was taking variety of street drugs. Physically, had very bad asthma and bronchitis, and also serious vomiting problems. Often did not eat, priorities were always drink - and toothpaste.  Earned money on streets by busking with harmonica.  Loved music, especially when drunk.  Was to become major interest later.
 
Street community in Liverpool
Mixture of prostitutes and gay people all looking out for each other.  Particularly remembers Chinese Eileen who helped community out a lot when individuals needed help or support.  Nicky still experienced difficulties fitting into community but felt being part of homeless community was all right because she deserved to be in the gutter.  During this time, no contact with family or former friends in Bradford.
 
 
 
DVC Pro Tape 03 OF 05 – VHS Tape 01 of 02                               03:00:01 – 03:55:20  
 
Risley
Constantly thought of suicide while in Risley.  Deeply depressed but didn't recognise it at time.  Released from Risley after appearing in Crown Court.  Moved to Manchester, with another prisoner from Risley.
 
Manchester and a new family
Moved into house in Manchester with new partner, her mother and her five children  Still drinking heavily but got job as a catering manager.   Aware of having some responsibility for family, as mother ill and children so young.  Lost job, got other jobs but kept losing them.  Partner was professional shoplifter and Nicky got more involved with this as the getaway driver.  Always terrified, but couldn't have drink to take away fear because it was in her contract that she would not drink while driving get away car.  Partner got caught and went to prison.  Nicky very upset, coped by drinking and couldn't take care of family.  Received anonymous letter from prison telling her partner having affair. Very hurt.
 
Memories surrounding killing of woman.
Went to pub where she used to play darts to collect money due to her from sale of freezer.  Spent money getting drunk.  Met two gay women, went home with one of them because scared of going to own home without any money.  Woman propositioned Nicky, and next thing she remembers is seeing woman dead on floor.   Called police and pub owner.
 
Arrested for murder
Taken to police station and statement taken.  Remembers having slop bucket in hand and thinking this was all she had left in the world. Felt terrified.  Kept thinking of partner's family and how she had destroyed all their lives just because she wanted a drink. Taken straight to Risley and, for first time ever, to prison hospital. Went into denial over what had happened.  Shown photographs of dead body to jog memory.  Just wanted to be executed and die.
 
Trial
In court had to face her partner's family and people from the pub.  Hoped for life sentence but got three years for diminished responsibility and provocation, because people in pub said she had been set up sexually.  Reflects on how she had hit out as she'd often wanted to do as a child, but how her victim didn't deserve to be treated like that.  Can now see links with her earlier abuse, told by psychiatrist that she killed her mother that night  Sent to open prison for three years. Felt she should have got longer because she had destroyed so many people's lives.
 
Open prison
Open prison not like Risley, but in some ways harder because she was so aware she would never now be free.  On first day got herself a drink and turned violence in on herself.  Wanted to kill herself. Had horrifying panic attacks.  Worked in prison laundry where got on well with male prison officer who listened to her.
 
Intervention of prison governor and introduction to AA
Governor of prison told Nicky she had to go to AA. Nicky thought it was car mechanics course, walked out of first session but forced to go back.  Went regularly after that but didn't stop drinking, partly went because she had to and partly because they gave her free cigarettes.  AA meetings held in prison every Sunday, run by AA people from outside.   Continued to drink but feels seed for change were planted with AA. 
 
 
Continuation of DVCPro Tape 03 – VHS Tape 01                                                03:30:11
 
Psychiatrist in prison
Sent to psychiatrist in prison because wasn't talking and couldn't remember anything.  Psychiatric assessment included looking at blotting paper blot; Nicky couldn't take this seriously and psychiatrists response was that he didn't need to see her any more.  Reflects on how main treatment in prison was AA, although still drinking.  Speaks warmly of prison governor and Laundry officer, Mr Norris who encouraged her to draw.
 
Starting to write songs
Started to write songs, first one about whisky which she got another prisoner to perform.
Prison governor, laundry officer and other inmates all encouraged her to write more, and would  come together to sing songs. Used to put on concerts.  Won big prison awards (Koestler Award) for art and music in the same year.  Felt for the first time that something good was happening to her.  Wrote many more songs, including musical.  Started to understand herself more and she realised she was addicted to alcohol. Attending AA helped to take away her feeling of isolation, but still continued drinking.
 
Moving into hostel and going out to work from prison
Moved into hostel within prison grounds.  Describes hostel.  Nicky still drinking, put on antabuse but substituted paracetamol for antabuse.  Prison sent Nicky to work in John Smith's Brewery.  Earned £100 a week and other workers would give her plenty of alcohol because felt sorry for her.  Received lot of help and support at this time from prison officer in hostel, Mrs Chapman.  Started to call her "mum" and her husband (who worked in nearby Borstal) "dad".  Felt good things were starting to happen.  
 
Leaving prison
One of worst days of life. Left prison with £600 from her wages, a train pass and nowhere to go.  No after-care, probation or support.  Felt very frightened, mentally ill and still drinking.  Ended up drunk in Crawley.  Reflects on relationships with prison "mum and dad" and prison governor, all of whom she still has contact with and whom she feels just want her to be well.
 
Success of song-writing
While in prison, BBC came to record some of Nicky's songs, very exciting for whole prison and  felt sense of achievement  Had a band and used to go out to do gigs all around Yorkshire. Music helped her make friends in prison but advised not to keep in touch after leaving prison. Talks about how she got signed up by Viking Records, who bought her house, gave her money and helped her make lots of new friends.  Still attending AA but also still drinking, partly because "that's what show business is about". Continued to get drunk. Still writing songs but becoming more and more suicidal. 
 
Netherne Hospital
Ended up in Netherne Hospital, which felt like being back home again and safe.  Ward was quiet and because locked no way Nicky could get a drink.  Had bad withdrawal symptoms from alcohol but was generally treated well.  Environment very different from previous hospitals, lots of privacy and ward warm and cosy.   Women only ward - only ever in women-only wards.  In Netherne given heminevrine for withdrawal symptoms.  Transferred to Pinel House at Warlingham. Kept on heminevrin and started to learn about alcoholism.  Pinel House detox unit for about 30 alcoholic patients, some with mental illness as well. Had  group therapy for first time.
 
 
 
Start of DVC Pro Tape 04 of 05 – VHS Tape 01 of 02                   04:00:00 – 04:56:47
 
Recap on working for record company
Record company bought Nicky large house.  Still very lonely and, for first time in life, started drinking secretly.  Ran away to York and lived rough for a while.  Attempted to hang herself in public toilet and admitted to hospital in York. Visited by prison "mum and dad" and manager of record company.  Returned to London with manager.
 
Netherne and Warlingham Park
In London could not stop drinking and admitted to Netherne and then transferred to detoxification Unit at Warlingham Park Hospital.  Put on ward with 30 other alcoholics, had group therapy for first time and started to learn about illness of alcoholism.  Started going to AA.  Found contact with record company too overwhelming but at same time Nicky's record became a big hit and won Golden Rose award for lyrics.  Manager and singer took all the credit for record's success and Nicky felt very betrayed.  After going through detox went into group therapy.  Describes group and her feelings within it.  Group had responsibility for organizing reunions at Pinel House for ex-patients, with a buffet, a magazine and  painting of a mural.  Nicky ran away to Croydon, where got drunk, shop-lifted, hit two policeman, got arrested and eventually sent back to Warlingham Park to locked ward, George Ward.  Was physically very ill and told she would be there for ever unless she changed.  Returned to Pinel House after week and realized that she was powerless over alcohol.
 
In the community
For about six years dossed around, deliberately choosing to live in very bad places.  Had weekly sessions with psychiatrist, Dr Gaiford, but didn't find them very helpful.  Lot of focus was on sex and sexuality, but also gave her time and encouraged her to concentrate on her art work rather than on the sexual aspects of her life.  Felt very inadequate through this period and aware that she could not maintain relationships.  Started work at Post Office.
 
AA
Went to AA meetings regularly each week and, although gave up drinking for 6 years, did not have a proper programme or really get too involved with AA.  Then, after another relationship ended, had drink, got drunk, attacked policeman and arrested.  In court found public gallery full of AA people.  Felt resentful of them, wanted to be left alone but they made a case for her to return to Pinel house and she got sent there.
 
Pinel House again
Pinel House was slowly beginning to wind down, still detox but no group.  Told by Dr Gaiford she would have to do buffet, magazine and mural all on her own.  Felt very cruel but Nicky now thinks it gave her time to reflect.  Started 5 step Minnesota Method to tackle problems with alcohol.  Found doing group work very isolating.  Only saw Dr Gaiford once a week and had no group as such to discuss things with.  Managed art work, and got help with magazine from patients on detox and help with buffet from ex-patients who returned to help.
 
Home of her own
Social worker helped Nicky get flat, initially a small studio flat.  Felt it was all too much responsibility but tried to follow all AA advice to help her and got herself an AA sponsor.   Had to learn how to shop, deal with money, get furniture etc.  Got lot of very practical help from AA.  Still felt very lonely and suicidal, but didn't recognize she was clinically depressed.
 
 
 
 
Continuation of DVC Pro Tape 04 – VHS Tape 01                                               04:30:46                                 
Living in own flat
After some initial reluctance moved into new flat. Determined to stay sober and became very involved in AA. Found compulsion to drink had gone, but lots of old memories started surfacing, eg about abuse, murder etc.  Found normal living very difficult. Sopped seeing Dr Gaiford.  Started attending Mount Carmel, half-way house for alcoholics.  Started to share some of feelings but still feeling very down.  Lived for about three years in flat on own then acquired stray cat, Charlie.  When feeling very depressed decided to hang herself but while making preparations, Charlie licked her face and made her stop and seek help from GP.
 
Westways
Within the hour found herself in Westways Mental Health Centre with Chaplain, psychiatrist and CPN, who recognized her deep depression.   From then on attended Oaks day hospital for alcoholics and found this helpful because it was involved in helping her keep sober.  Found it useful to have help from AA, Oaks and psychiatrist.  Also had practical help from CPN.
 
Practical help with daily living
Taught to shop by CPN, surprised at having to pay because so used to shop-lifting.  CPN also taught Nicky how to cook.  Still very afraid of people and suffering bad panic attacks, sometimes becoming completely petrified and unable to move.  Found small things very hard to deal with, but managed to stay off alcohol.  As well as the CPN, also received help and support from Andrew Wilson, the hospital Chaplain and from a female psychiatrist at Warlingham, whom she learnt to trust but who later left.  Felt mental health problems were now being recognized, but still found it very hard to trust people.  Started having dreadful nightmares about the woman she had killed.  Found "normal living" very difficult, gives example of always waiting for someone to switch lights on or off, or lock or unlock doors. 
 
Present situation
Has learnt to cook, to chat with neighbours but sometimes finds this overwhelming.  Sometimes has visitors but finds it hard to hear them talk about ordinary things like their past or their children.  Still doesn't quite accept home as her own, still sleeps on floor.
 
Current contact with services - Croydon Women's Service
Is in contact with Croydon Women's Service. Opened in February and is run by women for women.  Staff are psychiatric nurses and nursing assistants, with a visiting female psychiatrist once a week.  Referred to womens' Service through Penny Cutting, counsellor Nicky sent to when her female psychiatrist left Warlingham.  Had already been seeing Penny for two years and built up trusting relationship with her and was beginning to understand more about her abusive childhood.  Women's Service provides residential house in Purley, beautifully furnished single bedrooms. Group therapy twice a day and one to one sessions with nurses twice a day, with nurses available throughout the day and night.  Found it difficult at first to sit at table for meals and still finds it hard to sleep in a bed and sometimes very fearful of medical people because of what happened at Winterton. 
 
Developing art work
Used to sabotage art work because mother had said she was no good. But feels that expressing herself through art gives her freedom. Talks about art work in prison and how she was greatly encouraged by governor Joe Whittey.
 
 
 
DVC Pro Tape 05 of 05 – VHS Tape 02 of 02                                 05:00:00    -  05:28:25
 
Recent developments in art work
Through encouragement in Women's House has experimented with new medium of pastels and work has been much appreciated by others. Now enjoying art and selling some of work. 
 
Current feelings about mental health problems
Feels Women's House is first time has had any help from anyone medical.  Trusts counsellor Penny much more and now able to talk about abuse and is putting together bits of her life.  Feels will be able to deal with this with help from Women's House.  If she does not, is sure she will die by her own hand.  But now feels she is on a  good road.
 
Current situation
Has social worker who is very supportive and also other important people in her life are still there, eg Joe Whittey, prison "mum and dad".  Can phone Women's House twenty four hours a day.  Still has nightmares and finds it hard to sleep.  Has not had a drink for nine years now.  Wants to be that far away from abuse too, and feels she can now hand herself over to people she trusts.
 
Reflecting on experiences
Believes if had had right treatment right at the start at Winterton things would have been very different.  Thinks first really got help in prison, especially from Joe Whittey who recognized her drinking as a major problem.  Now has found same type of person in Penny and staff at Women's House.  Believes illness can now be dealt with in sobriety, and is living one day at a time.  As well as her art work and songs,  has also written musicals,  children's books, TV programmes but feels she doesn't know where to go with them.  Feels she was used by record company because of the sensational nature of her story, rather than because of her own merits.   Wants very much to be recognized for her own worth.
 
Feelings about Testimony interview
Doesn't feel used by Testimony project.  Feels telling her story has helped her to convey a message by letting people who want to know who she is and about the old days of psychiatry.
Has enjoyed experience and thanks interviewer and crew.
 
 
Sequence of film showing the following, with commentary on context by Nicky :
 
Children's book Nicky Bee
 
records she wrote and had recorded
 
awards and distinctions for music and art
 
variety of paintings and drawings which decorate the walls of her flat
 
Nicky's two cats.
 
 
End of DVCPro Tape 05 of 05 – End of VHS Tape 02 of 02
 
INTERVIEW ENDS